ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame
ADHD And The Plague Of Shame
Shame is something that many ADHD sufferers experience. This commonly stems from struggling to reach the expectations of their family, friends, employers, educators, and society.
To help reduce and even remove that heavy burden as an ADHD sufferer, let's take a look at 8 ways to understand the issue more and focus on some helpful ways to deal with this common problem:
Don’t Mistake Shame For Guilt
It is important to understand the difference between shame and guilt because they require different approaches when it comes to dealing with them. Guilt is all about what a person has done, and how they feel about it. Shame, however, is more challenging to deal with because it is more about who you are as a person, and is, therefore, harder to cope with and more often than not, easier to hide.
2. Feeling Less Than, And Alone
Those with ADHD can struggle with the constant struggle to meet the expectations of society, friends, family, employers, and educators. It is estimated that for every 15 negative comments a child with ADHD hears, they only then get one positive comment. As a child, you hear those negative messages over and over until they become part of you, and your confidence and self-esteem are directly affected. You can be prone to seeing yourself as different, separate, and flawed compared to others.
3. Negative Feelings Towards Yourself
It is particularly difficult when a person, even without malice, in an ADHD sufferer's life points out their failures or shortcomings. Those with ADHD can be told directly, or indirectly, that they are lazy or purposefully avoid what needs to be done - as though they purposefully chose to fail. Facing this, it isn’t difficult to feel negatively towards yourself. So much so that many experts agree that low self-esteem should form part of ADHD criteria in adults.
4. Harboring Anger Towards Those With Negative Things To Say
Those with ADHD who struggle with feelings of shame often become isolated. This is usually because they have withdrawn, sitting behind anger at the person or problem that they feel aims negativity towards them. This could be why those with ADHD are scared to let anybody truly get to know them, or the way they live their life.
An ADHD person will commonly hold two difficult secrets:
The future they have is not controlled and cannot be controlled
Life can feel wonderful just as much as it can cause feelings of shame
5. An Obsession With Perfection
A feeling of shame can contribute to an obsession with perfection in people with ADHD. They may feel as though perfection eradicates shame or being shamed. This can then lead to a consistent awareness and dissecting of everybody and everything in their lives. They may be so invested in what others value and care about and echoing those values, that they forget their own wants, needs, and sense of self.
6. Losing Hope
Feeling shame consistently from a young age can contribute to a loss of hope and a sense of giving up in all areas of life. This tends to happen without some reinforced assurance before easily achieved goals.
An ADHD sufferer cannot maintain the effort for long if they are not harnessing complete success. This feature of the condition can be misunderstood and seen as a sign of laziness, which again leads to even more shame and a sense of feeling alone. This is a common reason that love for video games is so popular with those with ADHD. If you don’t succeed, you’re the only one who knows, and you can simply start again as though nothing ever happened.
7. Avoiding Help
Shame is a huge barrier to getting help for ADHD sufferers of all ages.
For many with ADHD telling a medical professional about where they feel they have failed, and getting a diagnosis and medication to help change things is unreachable. To them, they have tried every approach and nothing has helped. Many children would rather play up and avoid class, than approach an educator for help. This is a common reason that parents of children with ADHD can be shocked when they find out how much their child’s attendance and grades are suffering at school. Their child may not have opened up at all to their parents, instead going to great lengths to hide the truth because admitting their failures is unthinkable.
8. Placing Blame
For many people with ADHD, it is easier to consider a problem solved, by blaming others for the problem that has occurred. Blame is easier than shame. Once there is somebody to blame, they may leave any sense of responsibility for the mistake behind.
Being able to understand there is no shame in making mistakes is the key to breaking this cycle of placing blame on others, and eventually correcting repeated mistakes.
Overcoming The Shame That Comes With ADHD
Using Humor As A Shield
Humor is a common attribute of a person with ADHD because it softens the harsh blow shame can have on self-esteem. It can be really helpful to be able to laugh at yourself and where you may have gone wrong as a form of self-acceptance.
Achieving Complete Self-Acceptance
If you can accept yourself in full, you can combat the deeply challenging issue of obsessing over how the world sees you. Unless you can find a way to accept yourself with ADHD, warts and all, you will not be able to fully believe that you and others can love your imperfections and all.
Locate Your Biggest Fan
Having a person around - whether they are a friend, teacher, auntie, or mentor - who accepts you with your ADHD regardless of any imperfections, is so important when it comes to getting over shame. This is not the same as being a perfectionist, which relates to praise on what you have achieved of late. Instead, your biggest fan values you as a wonderful person, regardless of your mistakes, your shortcomings, and your quirks. Even when things go wrong, they value you in full. It is also so important to be your own biggest fan, and to appreciate your own growth. With ADHD, we may believe we can only celebrate if somebody else appreciates our achievements. Being your own biggest fan means knowing what is an achievement for you, and celebrating that.
Utilize Support Groups
There are many great ADHD support groups around which serve as a fantastic resource for a person with ADHD. The group members will have been through the same challenges as you, and they understand what it feels like to be different. This means you can be open and honest about who you are with this group, and see that there is no shame in it. The goals, activities, and conversations within the group will also relate to you, and feel achievable and realistic because the source is one of compassion and understanding.
If you feel a little too overwhelmed with a group that meets in person, remember there is a lot of support online with various social media accounts dedicated to ADHD, ADD and all surrounding topics. Alternative medications with a focus on supporting ADHD symptoms, such as Recoop, also serve as a great resource for information and support online.
Seek A Diagnosis
Diagnosis is validation, which is such an important part of combating ADHD shame. That shame can often continue when a person is prescribed medication for their condition that is commonly associated with stigma, like Adderall and other stimulant drugs. You must remember that a lot of people need ADHD medication to actually feel normal, and many people do not have the privilege of avoiding taking it. There’s also a strong culture of judgement whereby people still believe everybody can cure ADHD with exercise and diet, and that simply is not the case for every individual.
You will need a qualified professional to not only diagnose your condition but to identify any shame that you feel as a result of it. Once you can stop hiding, and your doctors and therapists know the truth, it will stop holding power. You will be able to get the help - with ADHD and the shame it brings - that you deserve.
