ADHD & Lying
The lies we tell to excuse our ADHD:
Living with ADHD often comes with a slew of go-to defense mechanisms. To navigate a world structured around neurotypical brains, specific ways of coping can consciously or subconsciously become instinctual. One of these defense mechanisms is lying. This type of lying isn't devious or ill-intentioned but instead used to escape constant ADHD explanation. Instead of saying you're late because you got distracted, it's easier to say that you got "stuck in traffic." Logically, lying feels like the effortless route compared to sharing a part of you that another person might not understand. Over time, all these little white lies can add up and make us feel like we're constantly caught in a web of small, insignificant deceptions, depriving us of complete authenticity.
For better or worse, though, lying is a form of self-preservation for many with ADHD.
Neuroscientists have studied this fibbing phenomenon and discovered that it's often triggered by stress. People with and without ADHD will add lying as a third alternative to their flight or fight instincts. This visceral reaction to stress has three possible goals. First, to protect yourself from the feeling of having disappointed someone. Secondly, to deflect from the likely anger and consequences you might face from your actions, and lastly, to preserve your self-esteem, specifically after an ADHD behavior ended in a negative result that caused you shame. Fibbing allows the person to be able to control the backlash of their actions or ADHD tendencies.
With that said, having to dream up white lies constantly is in itself an attack on your self-esteem. It simply doesn't perpetuate self-worth to tell untruths to the people in your life and conceal a huge part of yourself. So, what's the solution? The resounding answer we've seen from individuals who have overcome this lying urge is simple; brutal honesty. Be transparent about all of your ADHD struggles, even if they don't affect others. For instance, if you make it clear that you have trouble getting places on time and not because of a lack of respect, you're setting expectations for the people in your life. Plus, unapologetic authenticity will feel better to you and go a long way for self-acceptance. Last but not least, knowing that you're going to force yourself to be completely honest helps you hold yourself accountable. To avoid having to tell the truth about why you, for example, didn't complete a project, you might find yourself making sure you get it done.
It goes against all survival instincts to nix lying and embrace transparency, but the effects of authenticity end up acting as a whole different type of self-preservation. Honesty allows you to set expectations, embrace yourself, and give others the chance to embrace you as well.
