How to support your partner with ADHD
Dating someone with ADHD means knowing that their ADHD symptoms will likely affect your partnership. Just like other relationships, you’ll have your share of problems, but they might be more ADHD specific and require different solutions. That said, the fundamental element of a successful relationship is partner support, but figuring out how to properly support your significant other with ADHD is where it gets complicated.
So, how can you better support your partner with ADHD?
Focus on communication
If you’re a neurotypical person in a relationship with a neurodivergent person or vice versa, it can be challenging to fully understand the other person’s perspective. Without effective communication, misunderstandings are bound to occur. If your feeling neglected or unimportant because of your partner’s forgetfulness or procrastination, always bring it up as soon as possible, but be careful in the way you do it! Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to express your feelings. Starting sentences with “You don’t do this” is more likely to leave your partner feeling defensive and resistant to problem-solving. Most importantly, always keep in mind during conflict that they are also frustrated by their ADHD and the lack of control over who and what it affects.
2. Play to their strengths
When divvying up the household responsibilities, take a second to map out the best course of action. You both individually have your own strengths and preferences, and you’ll be a lot happier if you keep those in mind while deciding who does what. For instance, if your S.O. is a fantastic chef but has a hard time doing dishes, structure your chores accordingly. Remember that you’re partners, which means working as a team to boost the other in an area of weakness.
3. Don’t forget to remind them of their strengths too!
Negative self-esteem is often an unfortunate side effect of ADHD. To support your partner, don’t only play to their strengths but celebrate them! Remind them of what they excel in by being their biggest cheerleader. Recognize their small daily victories of overcoming the havoc that ADHD can try to play in their life.
4. Always keep their ADHD in mind.
It’s easy to forget that your partner has ADHD when it’s often an internal battle. This makes it even more essential to remember that their brain functions differently than what you’re familiar with. If they zone out while you’re talking to them to forget to do an important task, it’s not because they don’t love or respect you. Adjust your expectations of them to include their ADHD. This tactic doesn’t negate how frustrating it feels to be ignored, but it can at least help make practicing patience easier.
5. Talk about what works for them.
Instead of deciding that you’re going to be your partner’s personal reminder system and getting on them to get things done, ask them what they need. Do alarms or planners work best or do they need you to gently nudge them to do certain things? Respect their preference and don’t try to overstep. Remember, they want a partner, not a parent.
6. Speak up about your boundaries
Make it clear to your partner what is absolutely unacceptable to you and, in turn, allow them to do the same. It’ll be easier for them to focus on not doing those things if it’s a specific list of no-gos. Likewise, letting them set boundaries with you will give you a better idea of how you can support them.
7. Learn to just let some things go
Whether you’re the partner with ADHD or without, mistakes will be made. Try not to let everything affect you. Focus on what you love and cherish about your partner instead of daily mistakes. Individuals with ADHD are typically already very self-critical, so another person continually adding in their own criticism is unhealthy, unproductive, and will eventually cause severe relationship problems. Focus on the good and shake off the small stuff.
